Hallelujah! Pass the Grits

Politicians and other dangerous creatures

2012-01-25T12:25:00.000-08:00

2012 is an election year. If you haven't figured that out by now you must have been on Mars for the last six months. We are bombarded with loud mouth politicians who can speak for hours and never say anything. That must take real talent. You would think that in an hour's time, someone would say something that was real and believeable. I don't know about you, but I would love to hear a politician speak like this: "Hello, America. I'm running for (fill in the blank.) To tell you the truth, I haven't the foggiest idea how to fix the mess this country is in. We have screwed outselves so often that we now think it is normal. We are greedy, selfish, narcissistic, spoiled, unsophisticated, without common sense, mean, and without manners. We are totally ignorant as to how to raise children who can think for themselves. We refuse to save money or make any sacrifice that will cause us any inconvenience. We worship movie stars and athletes yet make fun of those who put their own lives in jeopardy to serve others. We have told God that we are smarter than He is. We allow businesses to maniputlate our elected officials. We have turned our backs on the small businesses and the people who worked all their lives to make our small towns profitable. We are totally addicted to the internet and allow predatory online merchants to rape our small businesses while paying not one red cent in sales or property tax. We have forgotten the meaning of political compromise and have eaten away at our children's future by holding on to the philosopy of 'my way or the highway.' So, if you elect me
I can't mess things up any worse than those before me. So get out there and vote!"

No Sceaming Kids Allowed

2010-09-08T16:08:00.000-07:00

The local evening news reported about a restaurant in Carolina Beach, NC that recently put up a sign outside their entrance that said, "We will not tolerate screaming children in this establishment." Finally! Someone had the guts to put up a sign that stated in no uncertain terms what most of us have felt at one time or another. Nothing drives me nuts more than trying to have a nice dinner and an adult conversation while having to tolerate a bunch of wild, undisciplined, obnoxious savages at the next table. Nine times out of ten the parents are totally oblivious to their children's behavior. It's as if they are suddenly deaf. "We are not at home so we don't have to listen to the noise" seems to be their moto. I think the sign should read, "Ignorant parents who have no sense and let their children run amuck in public are not allowed in this establishment." After all, it is the parent's responsibility to guide their children in the right way to behave in public. A kid will do exactly what he can away with. It's human nature, pefectly normal to push the envelope and see how much you can get away with. Adults as well as children do this all the time. I know what the problem is.....my age. We were never allowed to misbehave in public. My first tantrum was in a Woolworth store at age 5 with my mother. That was my first and last tantrum. Let's just say everyone in Woolworth that day got a lesson in how to spank the daylights out of a bratty kid. My sister and I were told constantly that we were might get away with some bad behavior at home once in a while, but never in public and never in church. I remember when I was about 12 years old I begged my mother to let me sit on the back row of the church with my two friends. She refused for months and months telling me, "Nothing good can come from sitting on the back row of the church." I finally wore her down and was allowed to sit with my friends on the back row during a Sunday night service. Bad idea. One of them brought a chap stick with him because his lips were chapped and we took turns playing with it. One of the boys rolled it all the way out, stuck it to his lips at about the same time the other boy nudged him hard in the ribs. The chap stick broke and he swallowed it causing him to cough and gag like a dying cow in a hail storm. We all tried desparately to hold our laughter inside but it was impossible. My mother quickly turned and snapped her fingers at me. I knew what that meant. Once that crisis had passed one of the boys took a large marble out of his pocket. Naturally we all had to see it. When it was my turn, naturally, I dropped it. Our church only had carpet down the isle and the front, under the pews were hardwood floors. Loud, solid, echoing wooden floors. It bounced and rolled all the way to the front hitting the back of people's feet on its journey to the altar. My mother somehow knew that her clutz of a son was the culprit. She got up, marched to that back row, grabbed my ear and pulled me up and out the door, down the steps and around to the back where she proceeded to beat my ass with a hickory limb she broke from a tree on the property. To this day, you cannot pay me to sit on the back row of anything! My point is this, children are a sacred responsibility and never teachng them how to behave like decent people in public is a horrible thing. So take heed and remember this...back rows are evil, tantrums in public lead to pain and suffering, marbles are made for dirt, chap stick can trick you, and last but not least, your loud mouth kid is getting on my nerves!

Ingratitude: An Ugly Trait

2009-11-23T10:41:00.000-08:00

To me, one of the most vile of sins is the sin of ingratitude. We have all met people who think the world owes them a living or worse, that the world is out to get them. They complain about the most minute things and whine if everything is not to their satisfaction. They never stop to give thanks for what they have, who they are, their friends and families, their health or anything at all. They trudge through life with hateful attitudes feeling that the "universe" has somehow wronged them. I have made up my mind that life is way too short to surround myself with people like this. We should all be grateful for everything that our creator has bless us with. Each day is a gift and yet some people squander it away by complaining that everything isn't perfect. I once supervised the mail services on a college campus. One day a girl came to the service window to complain that her mom had sent her a birthday card but that it was not in her mailbox. I looked again for her. I looked in the boxes around hers. I looked in the forwarding mail. I looked everywhere but found no card. She refused to accept this explanation and left literally screaming at me for willfully witholding her birthday card. She was back the next day, but still no card had arrived for her. This time she cursed and yelled and threw a tantrum the likes I haven't seen in thirty years. She returned again the next day and each day for a solid week looking for her birthday card. Each day she became more and more biligerant and nasty. Finally after seven days of this verbal abuse, the card arrived. The mother had written the zip code incorrectly so the card had been delivered to the wrong city, returned, and then sent to the college. While putting up the mail, I saw the card. I put a note in her box that she had a package and should come to the window to pick it up. When she arrived, I gave her the card and showed her why the delay occurred. I thought she might apologize to me for her horrible behavior, but instead she started ranting and raving about how stupid her mother was and that it was so unfair that she had to have a birthday with no card or money. She called her poor mother every name in the book before exiting the post office. I will never forget this horrible girl. She illustrated how ugly a person can be when they are not grateful for even the smallest of blessings. It is blessing enough to live in this country but when you add all the millions of other things that our creator gives us, it makes it a wicked thing not to be thankful. Show gratitude for every small blessing you receive each day. Say thank you. Think of where you might be without the blessings you have now. Never be caught crying over a lost birthday card, just thank God you have lived to have another birthday.

Much Ado About Polenta

2009-09-14T06:57:00.000-07:00

I'm firmly convinced that the fancier you name a food dish, the more you can charge for it. Make it even more difficult to pronounce and we are talking triple digits here. Take polenta, for instance. I was in Cleveland, Ohio for a meeting and went with the group to a very nice restaurant for dinner. The menu was quite broad and some things were unfamiliar to me. My eyes landed on a shrimp entre that sounded delicious. Not wanting to appear as naive about fancy couisine as I really was, I ordered it without reading the description of the dish. When it arrived, I was served four shrimp on a bed of polenta. I asked those around me what my shrimp were sitting on. They replied, 'Polenta." "What exactly is polenta?" I asked. "It's cornmeal that has been cooked in water or stock. It is served warm as yours is or it is allowed to solidify and cut into various fun shapes and browned in butter or olive oil." I could not believe my ears. They had just described corn meal mush. That's what we called it when I was growing up in the south. I informed the group, "You have just told me that I am paying $21.95 for four shrimp laying on a half-a-cup of corn meal mush! We ate this when I was growing up, minus the shrimp, because we were poor. I have to take a copy of this home because no one will believe I was dumb enough to pay this price for mush!" I've never learned the lesson that sometimes it is better to keep quiet and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. I'm going home to make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich...excuse me...I mean an essence of peanut legume with a tantalizing reduction of fruit.

Getting started

2009-09-10T09:58:00.000-07:00

There is nothing more exciting than a new adventure. Creating this blog for me is an adventure. Like a lot of people in my age group, we did not grow up with the web and have had to play catch up with the rest of the world. Well, I'm here! Now what do I do? I'm thrilled to have an venue to express my thoughts, make people laugh, maybe inspire a soul or two. As a southerner, a GRIT (guy raised in the south) I love to talk, or in this case, write. My first book, Hallelujah! Pass the Grits, was my attempt to capture some of the magic of growing up in the 60's in the south. I am basically a story teller. My dad is from the mountains of North Carolina near Wilksboro and just listening to him talk about his childhood gave me enough material for a dozen books! People back then actually visited with each other and talked and talked for hours. Funny stories were shared, a little gossip was spread, some home-grown therapy was exchanged, and the world's problems were reduced to common sense solutions. That's what I hope to do here. Let's talk, apply some good old common sense to our lives, and maybe gossip a little. After all, my favorite line from the movie, Steel Magnolias, is "if you can't say something good about someone, come sit by me." Nothing damaging of course...and we will always follow it by adding the phrase, "Bless Their Heart." That saying allows us in the south to say some pretty awful things about someone because we are softening the blow by adding the suffix, "Bless Their Heart." And so my journey into the "blog" world has begun and I can't wait to see where it takes me.